Diary of Dawn
by kbk
Summary: Dawn's diary, post-Entropy - thoughts on relationships and kleptomania *and new chapter post-most-of-Seeing Red
1. Default Chapter

I don't own any of the characters (Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy etc do) and I'm making no money from them.  
  
A/N For my purposes, Dawn stopped writing her diary after she burned the past volumes, and just started again after Entropy. And if she seems callous and self-centred – she's fifteen. Oh, and I haven't actually seen Entropy, so stuff may be a little off. Sorry.  
  
  
  
And the Dawnmeister Chronicles recommence…  
  
Xander called them that. Xander, my big sister's second best friend. Xander who I had a crush on for years. Xander who left his fiancée at the altar. Fiancée who subsequently… I still can't believe they did that. Spike and Anya… just, ew! No! I mean, same goes for Spike and Buffy, but at least he loves her. But does the fact that she hates him cancel that out? Confusing. I think she's still crazy from being resurrected, though.  
  
They wouldn't have resurrected me. I don't blame them for it. There would be no reason for them to resurrect me. I could have stayed dead just fine. Buffy would have missed me, sure, but she's been getting by all right barely registering that I'm around. Give her two months and she'd have forgotten all about me. She…  
  
What if when I died, all the spells ended? So I wasn't her sister any more? So they'd only known me for a couple of months? They would remember that they had false memories, I think, but… All their memories changed to add me when the monks made me. When I was unmade, would their memories change back? Would their recent memories change to get rid of me? Would it be like I never existed at all?  
  
Spike might remember. The spells around Glory/Ben didn't work on him, they said, so maybe he'll remember. There's not much for him to remember lately, but there was the summer, and before that he liked me, so… he might. He did like me – it wasn't just my imagination. He helped me with the spell (and how stupid of me was that? Aside from it was a zombie spell, look at how well the only resurrection around here turned out. It never even crossed my mind that she might be happier where she was, selfish brat that I am. Oh. Right.) You don't know about that. Mom died – aneurysm. And I did a really bad job of dealing. So did Buffy, but… Yeah. I found a spell to bring her back, kinda – Spike helped. Took me to this creepy old guy who… getting ahead of myself. I did the spell. Spike got whacked but good getting ingredients. Spell worked but it wasn't really her so I ended it. Then this whole mess to do with me being the Key and being hunted by Glory and Glory being inside Ben (and how screwy is it that I liked him and he was a nice guy (until he decided to trust Glory and save his own skin by sacrificing me)) and then I was chained to the top of a tower wearing this weird old dress (which was kinda pretty) and Buffy stopped Glory but creepy old demon guy showed and cut me to open a portal to a hell dimension with my blood. Spike showed and got thrown off the tower. Buffy showed and killed the demon but the portal was opening. And she threw herself into it to close it.  
  
And we were depressed all summer.  
  
And then Willow brought her back and we were all happy but she wasn't. Then Xander summoned a music demon and everyone thought I did it (because I'm the only person who does stupid stuff like that around here) and he was going to take me back with him to be his queen but then he didn't because it wasn't me that summoned him, it was Xander, and we found out that she'd been in heaven. And that makes sense, thinking about it, because she saved the world so many times, but nobody thought of it like that. But I guess it was a portal to hell, so… And she got a job and now I never see her. And Willow went crazy with the witchcraft and took me to this freaky place with scary people and when she came out she was high, she so was. And this demon chased us and I fought it off even with a broken arm. Well, till Buffy showed to save the day. So now Willow's not doing magic any more – I guess it's kinda like rehab. And Tara left her just before that because she was overdoing magic. And Giles left again. And Xander left Anya at the altar.  
  
Oh yeah, somewhere in there was another of my greatest moments – said "I wish" to a woman I didn't know and she turned out to be one of Anya's old vengeance demon pals, so we all got stuck in the house. And they found out I'm a klepto.  
  
It's about freakin' time!  
  
I know they all have their own lives and their own problems which are all so much worse than mine, but still… You'd think Anya would have noticed the missing stock. Or maybe one of the three girls living with me would have noticed my new clothes. Or gone into my jewellery box to borrow something. Honestly, they don't pay any attention to me unless I do something remarkably stupid (see above).  
  
Oh, but now I get the talks on responsibility or whatever – it's the price I have to pay. Along with being mocked.  
  
It's not like attention seeking behaviour is a new thing for me either. When I found out I was the Key I burned my diaries and slashed my arm (the mark's still there. So are the ones from when I got put in the lock, but that's different). I picked up a leaflet on self-harm in the hospital one time. Buffy and Mom were talking to the doctor, deciding how much to hide from me. I was bored, the leaflet was orange and it wasn't long after above. And apparently because of that one act in extraordinary circumstances, I am labelled forever. I've considered doing it again – not as badly, because I don't want to end up covered in scars, just enough that I can feel it because it means that I'm real, I'm alive. It means I'm not the only sane one in the house. I can't be the sane one. I'm the youngest, the kid who wasn't even real, it's supposed to be me with the problems! The reason I came up with for not was that Spike would smell the blood and ask, but… actually I have seen him a few times recently but he was otherwise occupied, and before that I hadn't, so it's a pretty lame reason.  
  
Mom would have noticed. Mom listened to me 'cause I was her baby. I miss her. I want to tell her stuff, and then I remember I can't 'cause she's dead. It's not as bad as it was. And now I don't have to mourn Buffy as well, I guess it's easier.  
  
I wonder what it would be like to be dead. Well, obviously you'd be in heaven/hell/wherever, so… I mean, what would it be like to be dead but still here? Be a vampire, I guess. But forgetting the whole biting people thing. Ew. Because when I lie awake at night I can hear my breathing and feel my heartbeat all through me, and it would be so freaky not to have that. Sometimes it feels like I'd prefer it, because I'd finally get some peace. Also, if you're dead, you don't have to deal with all these people.  
  
Then again, look at Spike.  
  
OK, so I still have a crush on him. Despite everything he's done. But he's cute and he's funny and he looked after me so well. And now… I don't know when, where or why he went wrong but I have a feeling it's got something to do with Buffy. She's such a bitch to him. I shouldn't say that about my own sister, but it's true. Just because I love her doesn't mean I have to like her. I like Spike. Well, like he was up until a couple of months ago.  
  
The only person I still like totally is Tara. 'Cause, really, how can I not? OK, she's maybe a little over-protective and I don't like that she split up with Willow (but they're getting back together, I think, which is so cool and I helped!) but she made time for me after she did and she's always sensible about things. And I think she'd teach me some spells if I asked her nicely enough.  
  
I suppose I should like Anya too, but she's so difficult sometimes. And she raided my room – when we were all stuck in the house, remember? And I know I wanted caught, but c'mon – I gave Buffy a present I couldn't afford with the security tag still attached. I don't see how I could have been more obvious, except maybe by standing up and screaming "I'm a klepto!" Honestly, these people have no clue. And I don't think they even care.  
  
I could be slashing my wrists right now. Who's gonna find me? Buffy might notice that I'm not up for school in the morning, if she's not off at the Grease Palace already and she gets her mind off the fact that everyone knows her little secret. Willow's got her head in the clouds over Tara and the possibility of getting back together. I don't see the rest of them too often. So that leaves Janice.  
  
Janice is OK, but more someone to hang with than an actual friend. But she'd probably notice I was off and skip Math to come see me. But she couldn't get in the house. So I guess it's back to Buffy.  
  
I'm not going to, obviously, I'm just wondering. I wouldn't have the guts. Also, the people around me are acting way too like they're in a soap and I kinda want to see what happens next. I guess I should go and work or something. I might come back to this later – might not. It's surprisingly easy to quit something like this even after doing it for years. But, yeah, work. I'll go. 


	2. Chapter 2 - Seeing Red

A/N This is through most of Seeing Red, but not the finale since Dawn doesn't know about it yet – and once again I haven't actually seen the ep in question, so…  
  
  
  
I'm at Janice's (and she's asleep but I'm not really tired so writing this it is) but there's this really fantastic reason I'm here…  
  
Willow and Tara are back together! I would be dancing for joy but somebody would bring up that demon. But they're back together! And it's such a good thing! And everything's going to be so much happier around here now that they are. This is, like, the best thing that's happened since I don't know when! OK, I do; sister, resurrection, yadda, but… Wow. This is so unutterably cool.  
  
I think the pair of them are messing up my view of the world, though, because I now have this totally idealised picture of lesbianism. And the people I know have such fantastic track records with straight relationships. But I don't think I'm gay. I'm kinda disappointed. I'm also not really past the "boys are idiots" stage, so…  
  
This is all Justin's fault. 'Cause, it's like there's this really nice guy, and he's cute and he actually likes me and then he doesn't even mind how bad I am at kissing – and then I find out it's all because he wants to snack on me. I liked a vampire and he didn't even have a soul or a chip and so I, that's right, me myself I had to put an end to his extended existence.  
  
And I know Buffy got there first! I can't do anything but she's been there, done that before and better! Love of her life instead of first date, sword instead of stake, ten times as spectacular and utterly heartbreaking and off she runs to L.A.  
  
Didn't think I knew that much, did you?  
  
But I'm off boys more now than I was before. It was kinda drastic. But I guess it's not all his fault. How about the absent father? The mother whose one attempt at dating turns out to be a psycho robot? The sister with the ex-es who leave town, if not the country? The TV addiction? (you know that stuff takes over your brain). And oh yeah, the one apparently stable male in my life ditches his fiancée at the altar and then runs around with an axe when he sees her having sex with someone else. I mean, come on, she was a demon for a thousand years – he thinks he's her one and only? Please!  
  
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah; I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life because I can't handle relationships at all.  
  
Suppose that didn't stop me trying to beat up on Spike over how bad at them he is – metaphorically, obviously, because I'm under no illusions that he would let me even with the chip. He's such an idiot! And I'm not going to see him 'cause Buffy is so not going to let him in the house. But even I can see he loves her (and can I go back to sister-envy for a minute? Because all these really cute guys keep falling for her and if I get noticed at all it's because I'm her little sister – I guess guys really do prefer blondes).  
  
Oh, I am not going to sit here and obsess about guys! Although, hello, fifteen-year-old girl, totally allowed to. But I just end up going round in circles. I like boys. Boys are idiots. Boys don't like me. I hate boys. Which isn't exactly a circle but you know what I mean.  
  
Maybe I should try different make-up. But I'd have to lift it 'cause I'm broke and I said I wouldn't do that any more. It would only be concealer and maybe some eye-shadow… I might. I can do it and it's not like it's… Darn. I said I wouldn't. So I won't. Even though some days my fingers are just itching to reach out and grab.  
  
There's a boy in school who's quite cute. If I wasn't off guys totally I would probably consider him potential boyfriend material. It helps that I've seen him in sunlight 'most every day – but there are more things than demons. Also I don't think he's interested. And even if he was I think he's too shy to actually make a move. So that's just a total washout. Which is annoying, 'cause – cute and alive and in my classes and I could take him home to meet the parents… if I had any. But of course a boyfriend would just be too much hassle. And then it would all go wrong and I'd get depressed.  
  
I probably would be better off being a lesbian. But I'm not. Darn.  
  
I'm going to have to go back home at some point tomorrow but either I'll have to sit through Buffy moping and snapping or Willow and Tara making eyes at each other (yes, I am happy for them – that doesn't mean I have to put up with constant sappiness when I don't get those kinds of looks from anyone) or maybe dear old Xander will be round for another counselling session. I don't have to be sympathetic. My life is no fun either.  
  
See what I mean about the circles? Round and round and round and round…  
  
I could tell you all about how Terri showed up to school in a crop-top and a mini-skirt that showed off her lacy knickers; but that leads to "and all the boys followed her around" and that leads to "they never look at me but maybe they would if I was a slut like her". It was really bad, though, 'cause the teachers were checking her out as well – it was just sick. But I heard she slept with about five college guys over the summer, so what do you expect?  
  
I bet she doesn't know all the stuff I know.  
  
It's just, sometimes, I realise that I judge everyone else by me and my life; so something normal could well involve hanging out with a gang who're all years older than me, and magic and fighting (or not!) demons and all this kind of thing. And there are all these people who don't have a clue about any of it.  
  
Sometimes I wish I was one of them. Born to Hank and Joyce, grew up in the 'burbs of L.A. with one elder sister Buffy – who did not burn down the school because she didn't know thing one about vampires. Of course, that would probably have meant the entire school getting killed by them, including her. But death's another of the things that is normal.  
  
Death's normal for some of the really normal people who don't know about all this. That's worse than it being normal for me. I have the excuse of being a supernatural target along with most of my surrogate family. But the people who live in the everyday world – it's normal for some of them as well. That's really sad.  
  
Oh, I'm not doing this. It's Buffy's job to worry about the world. And I can't start being depressed because she's done that before as well. Yes, I feel inferior to my sister. She's… "a superhero or something", how am I ever supposed to compete? I know it's not supposed to be like that, but it always feels like it is. Like the only times I come out of her shadow are when I do really stupid things. Or when she dies for a while. Next time will be permanent. And I know I'll wish to be back in the shadow, but…  
  
Some days I just want out.  
  
OK, I'm turning into depresso-gal so I'm going to pack this up and go to sleep. And tomorrow I'll go home again and see how things are working out. 


End file.
